8.4.12

早く桜
小さなお花
1000.
restaurant.
courtyard.
sunlight.
slippers.
眼鏡橋
春
桜
brightness.
secret garden.
dejima wharf.
お母さんの手
nagasaki skyline.
長崎
tofu restaurant.
dinner.
稲佐山
cafe amboise.
french cafe.


ひさしぶりですね!as I believe they say in France. Yes: I am still alive, and moreover have been for some time; my laptop, on the other hand, died a dramatic death a while ago, and it's taken this long to get it sorted for various reasons. I would go into the various reasons, but they're pretty depressing, on account of being "depression". Who doesn't love to hear about that? Apart from everyone. 

No, but really. I hate depression. I hate depression more than I hate Voldemort.

(Just so you know, I don't say this even a little bit lightly. I had to stop after I typed that and consider it properly for a while, and then I thought that maybe I'd think differently if I were actually living through Voldemort, and then my mind went 'living WITH Voldemort' and I started imagining a sitcom about me living with Voldemort. 'One's a bigoted, magical serial killer! One's a nonsensical, feminist blogger with a baking compulsion! Wacky hijinks ensue!')

(Okay, this concept has kind of made me warm up to Voldemort a little. I imagine that when I'm too depressed to get off the sofa, Voldemort would be all bitchy and pretend not to care, but then he would totally bring me tea).

Oh god, my brain.

This is sort of why I love photography, and film photography in particular, actually. Depression, to me, feels as if someone has cut out the part of my brain that recognises things as being Good; so although objectively I can see if something is pretty awesome, subjectively I'm just walking around going well what the fuck is this and when will it be over. I know it's there, but I can't feel it. I can't remember it, or keep it, or hold onto it. It's cripplingly unfair, and the thing is that I'm living in a place I love, with a job I love, and it is the height of cruelty to take my ability to feel all of this away from me. I'm happy here. But happy is not the opposite of being depressed. 

So these photos are a way of holding onto it. You know, like, beauty and happiness and what have you. They're my only way, at the moment.

But Spring is here, and Spring always says not forever.


5 comments

  1. You described depression so well, not that I know what depression is like. I just appreciate it because it frustrates me that nobody understands problems like depression until they have them.
    Love you endlessly.
    xxxxxxx

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  2. "Happy is not the opposite of being depressed." This is so true. Sometimes I don't understand how I can feel depression despite a healthy vegan diet, exercise, someone who loves me and a wonderful career. Depression doesn't only happen to the unfortunate, sometimes it's a way of seeing the world that's difficult to see past. Wishing you more than happiness, wishing you a way to keep more of those moments that happiness exists within.

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  3. Konnichiha m'dear! These blog pics are beautiful :) And I like the idea for the sitcom (the theme tune should definitely refer to the fact that Voldy's got no nose :p). In the same vein I'd describe depression to be a bit like having a dementor lurking very nearby all the time? It will get better I promise! Life is cruel as you say, and depression has a sneaky tendency to strike those who invite the astoundingly naive comment of `what on earth have you got to be depressed about?' when in fact perhaps they feel it more keenly because they feel bad for not being able to adequately appreciate their good fortunes? Surround yourself with the people you love (and ridiculous amounts of tea) and you can't go far wrong. Ten inch and all that xxx

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  4. You are all so very, very lovely. Thank you xxx

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  5. That was beautiful, I totally agree: happy is not the opposite of depressed and spring says not forever. Sometimes you can't help it, it just happens, but the good thing is it goes away. I always blame winter. Those tress are breathtaking :)

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© papillon.Maira Gall