Direct quotes from the English homework of high school Japanese students:

If a time machine is made, I want to go back to the Middle Ages with much pepper because many Europeans were looking for pepper to preserve food. If I bring 1 kilogram of pepper, I will make much money. I think I would bring the money to the present by the time machine. Then I can get so much money, I will be able to idle my time away.

I - you - you've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

I hope that I live together with a model human robot in the future. Because I think that I may not feel lonely. If I live a single life, I would feel lonely, but if I live together with a robot, I could forget my sorrow. And I want robots to help my life, because I think that a single life is very difficult.

OUCH. Feel that burn. You're getting a failing mark just for reminding me how tragic my single life is. While you're hoping things, why don't you just hope for, you know... a human companion?

I want a cooking robot, and I want it to cook a lot of delicious meals, because I want to live by myself in the future, but I am not good at cooking delicious meals. I can cook only scrambled eggs and miso soup. I think if I start living alone now, I will probably have an illness.

You are awesome. Ah, but wait, there's more!

If we work together, both of us can feel happy and cook smoothly. Therefore, get two birds with a rock.

THIS IS MY NEW PROVERB OF CHOICE.

I hope a robot like a secretary will be made, because I tend to forget what to do at that time [...] I expect that the robot will work not only as my secretary but also as my bodyguard. As many things are mechanised, risk of death increases. This is why I want the robot as an almighty server.

Before you say anything, I totally did not teach any kids the phrase 'almighty server'. I swear to God. I have legitimately got NO IDEA WHERE THEY GOT THIS FROM.


I think I must be the only teacher in school who loves marking test papers, mostly because I come across gems like this (and yes, this may well become a regular feature. The 三年せい students are COMEDY GENIUS). In another example, the students were given a paragraph about a woman who always put on a hat when she answered the door, so if it was someone she wanted to see she could say, 'how lucky, I've just got in!', and if it was someone she didn't want to talk to... you get the idea. The model answer was, 'oh dear, I'm afraid I'm just on my way out!'.

In practice, answers range from the adorable ('Excuse me, I am as busy as a bee!') to the party-starting ('Herrow everybody, it's a beautiful cities!') to the inadvertently hilarious ('Please come in. I am hard.' - ah, that line always works on me).

Also featured: the direct approach ('You get out here right now!'), the polite-but-misguided ('May I help your hat?'), the alarming ('Sorry, I can't keep away from fire!'), the convenient excuse ('My house is already crowded by many people,'), the compromise ('Let's wear the hat together,'); and, my personal favourite, 'Thank you for the hat washing.'

I swear I haven't made up a single one of these. I love my job.






Photos: from Okunchi festival [おくんち] a few weeks ago, at the end of October. You know I'm planning to make steamed panda bao now, though I need to own up that pretty much NOTHING I've baked this week has turned out; and of course, the more flops I have, the more compulsively I invent recipes... and the more flops I get. Wait til the weekend, guys, that kitchen won't know what hit it. What have you been wanting to cook/bake/eat recently, but life got in the way? I just like to realise people's cravings, haha.